The feeling I had when I shake your hand

Shall I call you the dearest person whom I want to give the prefix Ms. C,

The day before yesterday I am standing outside the school you studied, eager to give you flower which I never gave any female before. I have already evaluated all possible consequence, include which you would outright reject me and throw the flower in the rubbish bin, then surely it is an relieve to me for this seeming non-reproached ‘love affair’ for 10 months. 10 months, what kind of man am I that can endure 10 months of your indifference toward me, and what is the motivation that propel me for that long period of time?

Now, it would be very old-fashion to said that is because of your unusual beauty, extraordinary intelligence, vast knowledge in Philosophy and Psychology, and Devil’s body that could drive any man crazy. Although in Psychology of Love, one or any combinations of above four factor could made any man infatuate with you so much he delude himself that you are the one, while at the same time deny the logic to be applied to other attractive females. However, none of above applied to me in this case, which is why I am writing this to you.  In terms of my ‘Choice Theory of Love’, I think choice of love object merely as a conscious decision later with many unconscious attempts for justification. Forgive my poor expressive power, what I embedded in the theory is that it only describe the love process between layman and laywoman, that is to be distinguish from my idea of True Love.

For me, it is necessary for the True Love to have the quality of uniqueness and exclusiveness that can not be established/defended by logic, which is a feeling only hearts with organismic trust can comprehend. That is the shocking feeling I have when I shake your hand, which can never be explain by logic, reason, neurology of sexual arousal and psychoanalysis. I am a mature enough man to distinguish between the feeling of sexual arousal, excitement and infatuation; yet that is a feeling that is simply indescribable by any means of words. It satisfy the uniqueness and exclusiveness criteria that you as my ‘a prior’. I dated several times before, but however intimate we got, it is never as so strong, intense and shocking as the feeling of shaking your to me. To me, it is like the feeling of ‘Being one with Universe’, ‘Atonement’ or the peak of male orgasm; which the only comparable experience I had before is when I meditate in 16 which resulted in my ‘End of the World’ prophecy. It is the second time in my life, I thereby immediately know for certain that you are my Princess Right.

What a shame on me to wait until this day to reveal that to you. Right at the moment I am in contact with your hand and look you in the eye, I literally shocked out of my conscious. If memory serves you, you must remember that dazing look on my face, silence and my unusually inarticulate speech to you. I call tell you never in my life my tongue is so tangled like that in front of a female, whether that person is my girlfriend or not. That is very unnatural to me. I dig into myself hard for reasons which I can never found, none of the physiological or neurological or psychological reaction from me that can happen just like lightening. Remember I never have any idea of who you are before, it is simply impossible for me to rationalize what happen.

All I could remember is, at the exact moment that happen. It is like a lightening strike into my mind. I could only remember images, visions and thoughts rushing into my unconscious mind like tremble. It is literally so much that my conscious mind can not handle and shut itself off. So I get the vague sense that I am in a dream-like state, and see the world like it was through glass, and I literally lost my soul. The sense of time is completely distorted, there appears to be two parallel time sequences going on: One in line with the physical time, another is running at extremely slow. My conscious is blurred, is that what people call Transcendence or Oneness with Universal Mind?

Then it just getting curiously strange, as soon as I try to recollect the whole experience I forgot them all, it is like my unconscious mind is actively blocking me from analyze any of it. Imagine my state of puzzlement in whole day, so I am distracted from the slogan of demonstration and all that, I simply can’t take my mind of that feeling even until now. From the limited evidences I collected, my conclusion is that my unconscious somehow ‘recognize’ you and take immediate action to shadow my memory of it. So later I even have difficulties in recognizing your face. My unconscious mind later repress this memory and downplay its importance to me on my relationship with you. So, forgive me, there was a moment in time I think astrology, numerology, Chinese astrology is the just the trick to get me to be in bed with you. I don’t know what really behind my unceasing effort of writing over 200 emails to you in a month before you reject me, with the later emails which contain more than thirty thousand Chinese character, which is 90% of all Chinese I ever written. It consume me over 200 hours of effort and countless lost of sleep. I am really amaze that the level of self-deception that my mind can afford.

Likewise, I think it is illogical that you don’t share at least a bit of my feeling when we shake hands. So your rejection of me after 1 month become the target of my wrath, since I think your unconscious is also playing tricks on you. You may just suppress this raw, primitive and feeling from the deepest recess of your mind like me, or you are so much fond of playing psychological games with other that you get lost in your own mind. When I look at the photos in your blog, I immediately get the sense of you being ‘Lost, Lack of Direction in Life’. Let me be the one who save your soul, who give your new direction and meaning in life, who make your life a walk in the heaven.

I never said such thing to any other female and I will never do so in the future. That is my promise and my swear. I recognize from the earliest day that we are two of a kind, just that you love the feeling of being lost in love affairs. You intentionally or unconsciously deny yourself the distinction between sexual arousal, psychological effect elicited by well organized situation and symbolism; and the Reckoning of Soul. My soul am deeply hurt by your careless words, and live only by the Hopes steaming from the Love of you. Please let our soul joined together in everlasting union.

My confidence in you that it is not as unsubstantiated as my hope for your love, because I belief once we joined hands, you simply can’t deny the feeling come directly from your soul. So you can never resist me. Our union would mean the completion of the sequence of destruction of this sick old world, and the forces from our bond can build the Heaven on Earth for all human being. All that begin with meeting of you in 7.1. demonstration, and end with your wise decision to join me. Do you want to bet on this? You got nothing to lost, I am willing to bet my whole life and everything on you. Would you like to find out the validity of my hypothesis?

I feel sad for you when you habitually trivialize the great phenomena of love as a merely a combination of the four factors in psychology, or a delusion afforded by our DNA for the sake of propagation of human animal through neurological mechanism. Thus you are self-deceiving and comprise your intellectual integrity by giving the uniqueness and exclusiveness to where it’s not due. Deep in your mind, you recognize every male that you are interested are similar to other males working hard to impress you, you just deny yourself this knowledge. I am the solution to this dilemma you created. Love base itself not in logic and rationality but gut feeling. Can you still feel your heart? Can you remember all of your feeling toward me right at the moment we meet?

In strict accordance to my own principles, I never said the same word twice. You can keep this in anyway, anywhere in any form you desired. This is the written proof of love from me, and I waive all my right to any change of terms.

The one whom lost his soul for you,
then waiting for you to give him back
Someone who love to call your soulmate

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